Thanksgiving 2015

Colin (8), Aiden (9) & Liam (1)

This Thanksgiving morning I am not feeling the best. I am not my strongest. I feel the pain of old injuries and the aches of getting older. My back hurts and I’m feeling defeated. This morning it’s hard to find strength. I don’t like these feelings. I don’t like starting a Thanksgiving hurting, feeling less grateful than I know I have a right to feel.

Instead of hopping right out of bed I flip on my computer and look over the photos I’ve edited, trying to make decisions about which ones to post today. I know it’s a holiday but I’m so behind and I need to keep posting. My boys. Pause. Reflect. I am thankful.

I am not the best mom. At times I yell too much. My expectations might seem too high. They are too high. I push for excellence in school work. I push for achievement in sports. I’ve let the boys see my disappointment. I’ve let them see me fight with my husband, their father. I’ve let them see me cry.

But I am their mom. I am the best when they are sick or hurt. I can make anything better. I make everything better. I know how to make a mean diorama, and I’m awesome at school project help. If I’m on the toilet with the door locked, sure unlock it with a butter knife and come in to tell me all about whatever is so important… I am always here. I am always here. I would do anything for those boys.

Aiden is sweet. He gets along with anyone and rarely sees issue with being pushed down. He’s brilliant at getting himself back up (metaphorically and literally) and brushing himself off and continuing on. I term him “obliviously happy” and I only mean it in the best possible sense. Nothing gets him down. He is firery in action and in spirit. He likes to remind me, “Mom, my name means ‘Little Fire.” He brings fire, excitement and passion to everything he does, even if the end result isn’t perfection. He loves with his whole heart, and he means it.

Colin is God fearing and Christ loving. He is touched by the Holy Spirit in a way I can’t describe and I will never know myself. His spirit is so much deeper than mine. He feels Angels and has a special bond with his faith. He is brilliant beyond my measure. His mind is a catchall and he wants to know “why” and “how”. While, at the same time, he is okay without answers, and simply defaults to God. “Because God says its that way, mom. It must be.” My little blessing.

Liam is my shining star. He carries with him all my hopes and dreams as the last of three. No pressure, little guy! He is loved so deeply sometimes it hurts! When he is sad, I am sad. When he is needing me, I am needing him more. To have older children and to have forgotten what it’s like to see the world thought the eyes of a baby, a toddler, it is a blessing to visit this state of being again. Liam brings youth, wonder, awe and unconditional love to my life.

I give thanks for them. I would give my life for them.

One day in front of the next. I am thankful for my three boys in this moment, because all moments end, and it is not our choice in that respect. But what we feel, what we do, and what we take away from every moment is clearly our choice. Be thankful for now. If your day is poor, if you have already received bad news or a dark cloud is looming, stop. Take pause. Find one good thing outside the mire of sadness or disappointment, physical aches or psychological pain and give thanks for that one thing. Try for another. And another.

I give thanks for my Boys. I give thanks for my health. I give thanks for my intelligence. I give thanks for my passions and joys. I give thanks for good friends. I give thanks for wonderful experiences. I give thanks for bearing witness to the joys of others. I give thanks for the fondness of good memories made… You see, it snowballs. And on a this Thanksgiving, with snow falling in the Minnesota morning, even though my back is hurting and I wasn’t excited about getting out of bed, perhaps, at the end of the day I will be thankful for snowballs.

XOXO

Courtney & Liam

Items included in today’s outfits: Amen Hat: Trilogy Design Co., Pom Beanies: NOXXaz, Come Out and Play Graphic Tees: My Fallen Star, Liam’s Bibdana: Copper Pearl, Liam’s Demin: EnVDenim, Big Boys Denim: True Religion, Shoes: Adidas, Liam’s Teether: Simply Elle